Ever since she was a little girl, Izzy loved books. She loved them so much she decided to set up her own publishing company, but when her Careers Adviser told her the only way to make a small fortune in the publishing business was to start with a large fortune, she instead attended Frostburg University in Maryland, USA, where she earned a degree in The Science of Harry Potter* only to discover it provided no employment opportunities.
Undeterred, she returned to the UK and set up Lindenwald Press, literally, on a shoestring. (The shoestring is used to tie her laptop stand to the shelving unit so it doesn’t fall over.)
‘Lindenwald Press is, literally, my life,’ Izzy says, although obviously she can’t mean that literally.
* This is a real degree. Maryland’s Frostburg University provides this honours seminar, which is really a physics class that investigates the supposed magic of Harry Potter, which seems more like an excuse to watch all the Harry Potter movies.
Iamha was born in Syria and is, therefore, on the terrorist watch list. To keep the Team safe, Ms Fahque is strip searched by the CEO every morning in the mail room. (Ha ha! Just kidding. It’s the Graphic Designer who searches her.)
Iamha (pronounced: i AM a) studied Surf Science and Technology* at Cornwell College (part of the University of Plymouth) where she graduated with honours. Like her friend Izzy, however, she soon discovered that it offered few employment options and decided to join the team at Lindenwald Press as the Acquisitions Editor, a job title almost as meaningful as Surf and Science Technology expert.
‘I am really, really keen on acquiring things,’ says Iamha, ‘like ex-boyfriends, bad habits and, oh, yeah, manuscripts no one else wants to publish.’
Despite the alarming similarity, Iamha wishes it to be known that she is not the love-child of Greek singer Nana Mouskouri.
(*also a real degree.)
Joe studied Viticulture and Oenology at Plumpton College and, for a time, had dreams of becoming a Viticultureologist. Once he discovered that growing and tending grapes to turn them into wine, which is what this real-life course is about, was a lot harder than just drinking wine, he became a wino, instead.
After drying out, he turned to playing with computers, so Izzy thought he might make a good Graphic Designer and Iamha, his ex-girlfriend, recruited him.
Today, Joe is a valued member of the Team, even if he does spend a lot of time locked in his office, singing mournfully to himself while inspecting, he says, empty wine bottles.
Social Media Guru
Woody has a degree in Social Media from Sheepdip College in Cumbria, making him the only member of the Lindenwald Press Team who actually has a position similar to his area of expertise. We say ‘similar’ because Woody doesn’t really do much more than announce the publication of our books on his Facebook and Twitter accounts, which have a combined following of 47 people.
When not busy with his publishing duties, Woody likes to relax by surfing the web, posting conspiracy theories, arguing with strangers on Twitter, and watching cartoons with his cats.
Dennis holds the license to Microsoft Office so we, literally, couldn’t operate without him.
Having earned a degree in Parapsychology from Edinburgh University, he soon discovered that Ghostbusters franchise did not exist in the real world (unlike the course) and retreated to his flat to watch as many episodes of the ‘Most Hunted’ series as he could.
Being an ex-boyfriend of Iamha, as well as a licensed user of Microsoft Office, he was the perfect candidate to put in charge of our IT Division
‘I love it here,’ says Mr. Knotreel, ‘I get to watch videos all day and do sod all and they can’t do a thing about it. And, no, I am not a twin, separated-at- birth, from Nirvana drummer and Foo Fighters founder, Dave Grohl.’
Michael graduated from Ichabod Crane High School in Kinderhook, New York, and attended Columbia Greene Community College, but never earned a degree. Nevertheless, he is a key member of our team, performing a variety of functions, from editing, formatting, web design to making the tea.
‘In case you haven’t figured it out yet,’ says Mr. Harling, ‘Lindenwald Press is, literally (in the literal sense) a one-man band. I perform the editing and proofreading, format the manuscripts, and upload them. I also provide the content, in the form of completed, and revised, manuscripts.’
Lindenwald Press, therefore, is a publisher only in the sense that it publishes my books, not that it will publish your book.